One Good Turn Deseves Another and Another
by USS Empire Crew
Summary: Disaster has struck! The Empire crew have all switched bodies! And, worse yet, they have to escort a stuffy admiral to a ceremony where she will recieve Starfleet's Most Serious Officer Award! Wacky hijinks ensue! Mission 6.


Author's Notes: Please go read the preface if you haven't done so already.  And if you have, enjoy!  Please R&R!  E-mail comments to sarah_cosmo@fdtf.zzn.com, and our site can be found at .  Now, boldly go…

_The Crew of the USS Empire proudly presents:_

***One Good Turn Deserves Another… and Another… and…***

_                                ~Chapter 1~_

Kim Sun twiddled his thumbs.  He rarely did so, as it irritated Sarah to no end.  So he was doing it now.  She raised an eyebrow at him that said clear as day,  
  
"Do you feel lucky?  Well, do ya, punk?"  
  
He didn't.  He put his hands in his lap, properly chastised.  And it was because he was looking into his lap that he missed the near invisible little eyes, of a very small, very furry, very bright, very pissed off, little tribble.  
  
"There he is... Gods around, I hate him... He's such a .... doodiehead!" the tribble muttered to itself from its observatory perch in the ventilator shaft.  It suddenly laughed to itself.  It shifted slightly, and a rather large ray gun of sorts was visible.  "I'll teach him to mess with my genes to the point of my utter tribble-y genius! I'll show him!"  It fired a blast, and it shot Kim straight in the chest.  It hit his combadge, however, and the same blue-green light that had hit him refracted and hit everyone else in the conference room.  
  
Austin Relient said, "Kim, what _have_ you done now?", and then clutched at his vocal cords.  "That is not my voice.  And this is _not_ where I was standing."  He glared sharply at Kim, after feeling the pips on his neck.  
  
"Kim, you have exactly _five_ second to explain why I am in Austin's body," Sarah Cosmo said, _rather_ upset.  
  
And then there was a general uproar.  
  
"I'm a woman!"  
  
"I'm a man!"  
  
"I'm a _Klingon_!"  
  
Katana McCoy glared evilly at Kim.  "Kim. Where are you. And where's Keei?" she asked angrily, her now hazel eyes flashing irritatedly.  Katana McCoy herself had a meek look on.  
  
"Um…  Katana....  Don't kill me... I 'm in your body, and I SAID YOU CAN'T KILL ME!!" Kim yelled as Katana tried to slide across the table and found herself to short.  
  
"Dammit Keei!  How in the hells do you handle being so short!?" she yelled, extremely frustrated.  Siegfried glared.  
  
"It's not like I can help it, you know!" he cried.  Austin banged a hand on the table.  Everyone stared at him.  
  
"Okay, let's get this straight.  I'm Sarah in Austin's body," he said.  He motioned around the table.  "Everyone else?"  
  
"Um, I'm DuTach in Sarah's body," she said.  Sarah looked to Kim sitting next to her.  
  
"I'm Austin in Kim's body," Austin said, poking the Mohawk Kim had gelled up that morning.  Katana next to him sighed.  
  
"I'm Kim in Katana's body.  And now I'm sure every god in creation hates me," she said, a long, mournful sigh afterwards.  Keei sitting across from her glared.  
  
"That bad to be me, huh?" she asked, a dangerous glint in her eye.  Katana sighed.  
  
"No, I just understand that you want my guts for garters anyway—I really hate that expression—and now you _really_ want me dead."  Katana sighed again.  Keei glared.  
  
"Stop that, you'll give me wrinkles.  I'm Katana in Keei's body," she added belatedly as Austin glared.  Siegfried next to Keei sighed.  
  
"I'm Keei in Siegfried's body," he said, and it was rather hard to figure out whether Keei was upset about it or not.  DuTach sitting next to Siegfried sighed.  
  
"I'm Siegfried in DuTach's body," he said, inwardly immensely grateful be a man still.  Austin glared around the table.  
  
"Okay.  At the moment, we don't have any orders.  We can all go about our normal duties, just not being ourselves," he said.  
  
"Oh, peachy keen, jellybean," Keei said sarcastically.  Katana shuddered.  
  
"It's so creepy seeing Keei sarcastic," Katana said.  Keei glared at her, then grinned nastily.  
  
"And it's a real change that there's something behind your eyes, Kim, rather than just that blank look that normally resides in there," she said.  Austin glared at them both.  
  
"Shut up.  Anyway, there's noting to worry about.  Really."  
  
Famous last words.

*****

It was rather odd to be tall.  And to have short ears.  And to be male.  But, other than that, Sarah thought things seemed like they would work out fairly well.  All they would have to do was explain to the rest of the crew what had happened and then work through this.  So she would be tall and male and have round ears for a little while.  It would work out.  
  
She was far from the truth.  
  
At that moment a console at the far end of the room started beeping.  She went over to answer it, thinking it was just something minor like that report from engineering (finally).  Instead she came upon a very fuzzy picture and a slightly garbled voice.  =/\=Hello, Lt. Cmdr?  This is Admiral Von Shtinkinpants.  Is Captain Cosmo there?  I need to speak with her.=/\=  Now, this Admiral, though her name is spelled 'Ollidamra', it is pronounced "Von Shtinkinpants."  
  
Sarah was stunned.  So, she did all she could.  She stalled. "Um, she's, uh, well..."  The others, in seeing her predicament, started mouthing things to say.  Katana was saying shower in a stage whisper.  "Shower! Yes, she's, um in the shower.  And, you see, well, I was, um, going to go and, um..."  Keei was trying to say something with a "j".  "J-j-join her!  No--- wait---"  
  
=/\=Join her?=/\= the voice said incredulously.  
  
"No, that's not what I meant!  I mean, um, can I tell me you called?  No, can I tell you I called?  NO! Can you tell me she called?  Arg."  She smiled very sweetly.  "Can we call you right back?"  And then she cut the transmission.  
  
Standing, she pulled herself, yet also DuTach, over to the console and sat him down.  She got some water from a nearby replicator and said to him, "Pretend you're me," before pouring it all over him.  The little beeping noise from the console seemed to get more urgent as DuTach hesitated then pressed the button.  He tried to smile pleasantly.  It was a rather odd look on Sarah's Vulcan-y face.  "Hello, Admiral. What can I do for you?"  Sarah started making hand motions reminiscent of ripping her mouth off and stabbing it to death.  DuTach realized his mistake and suddenly became very serious.  "I mean, hello Admiral.  I am very cold and logical because I am a Vulcan," he said, half to convince himself and half to convince to voice.  
  
=/\=Uh... Yes... You see, Captain, I have been invited to a reception in which I will receive Starfleet's most serious award.=/\=  
  
"Which is?"  
  
=/\=The most serious officer award.=/\=  
  
DuTach's face fell before promptly being propped back up.  "Oh."  
  
=/\=I need transportation, and I was hoping your ship might be able to escort me.=/\=  
  
"Yeah, sure---  I mean, we would be honored to take you, Admiral."  
  
=/\=Ah... Good.=/\= the voice said doubtfully.  =/\=I'll be by at 1600 hours.  Von Shtinkinpants out.=/\=  
  
DuTach cut the transmission rather numbly.  Sarah felt like she might go into a coma and die.  
  
"Katana, dear.  If I pass out and die, will you be mad?"  
  
"Don't you _dare_," Katana growled.  
  
"I think that means 'no'," Keei said.  
  
"Okay.  I'm gonna sit.  Tell when she's gone."  And then Sarah sat.  As a matter of fact, they all felt quite the same.  What were they to do?  
  
After a few moments, Sarah spoke.  "I guess we'll just have to pretend to be each other.  Be sure to inform the person who's in your body what to do and not to do.  And we can't tell anyone.  We only have to get through taking this admiral to wherever he or she has to go.  We can do it.  Now, let's get moving.  We only have an hour."

*****

Austin banged his head for the twelfth time that day.  
  
"Kim, how is it that you're _this_ tall and yet never seem to have problems banging your head, while I go around with the grace of Billy the dancing drunk elephant?" he asked irritatedly.  Kim grinned unrepentantly, a look almost at home on Katana's face.  
  
"I hunch.  I'm a huncher," Kim said happily.  Katana glared at him.  
  
"You hunch in my body, you die.  I've always had good posture, and if you ruin it with your creepy Igor hunchiness, and I'll kill you," she said viciously.  Kim in her body did not make for sunshine and stars.  "I won't have back problems this young."  Kim rolled her eyes, which looked scarily natural.  
  
"What, 30? So young," Kim said sarcastically.  Katana punched him in the shoulder.  He grinned.  "And now you're giving yourself bruises."  Katana just sighed, and glared.  Keei grinned.  
  
"Hey, you're me, Tana.  Ya gotta look happy!" she said, giving Siegfried a deranged looking grin, and Katana couldn't help but laugh.  Keei smiled normally.  "That's more like it."  Sarah glared.  
  
"Shush.  The Admiral is almost here," Sarah said, and Kim giggled at the image of Austin saying "Shush".  Katana glared.  
  
"Quit that, I don't giggle," she whispered to him.  He grinned.  
  
"And Keei doesn't glare, unless you're talking food," Kim said gleefully.  Katana couldn't help but smile.  Kim schooled her features into polite disdain.  "There- perfect look for having to come down to meet a puny Admiral, ne?"  And Katana smiled, and laughed, but quickly ceased in her laughter because the Admiral had just gotten off the small shuttle that had been the transport between the other ship and the _Empire_.  
  
The admiral looked slightly different than Katana imagined.  She had expected a tall, thin male, with accountant specs, perfectly schooled down hair, knife crisp pants, and regulation shine on his boots.  
  
Instead there was a beautiful, perfectly featured, flame red, glossy haired equivalent of a holo-model.  And female.  And a knockout.  And Katana instantly didn't like her.  Sarah noticed it, and merely smiled, remembering she was Austin and she was not only able to smile but expected to do so.  
  
The Admiral stepped down the gangplank in perfectly measured steps, with both agility and grace.  Katana disliked her even more.  
  
_No one should be able to walk down those stupid things that gracefully_, she thought crossly.  _And I don't dislike her just because she's beautiful, graceful, and apparently really serious, and high-ranking.  I don't. I _hate_ her.  She has the über anti-Katana vibe.  Über anti-me.  Hate her.  Definitely hate her._  
  
In the meantime, the Admiral herself was giving the crew on overview. \  
  
_Well... It's certainly an... interesting looking bunch. The tall Asian with the Mohawk is something of an eyesore.  I mean, blue, really.  The Klingon next to him isn't so bad.  The woman next to him, not bad looking.  A little short, perhaps. The other one next to him is not bad either.  I like her haircut.  The blonde is cute.  Has a little bit a child's air to her.  The guy next to her isn't bad looking at all.  Neither is the other guy next to him.  Hmm.  Wonder what they're like.  I've heard some... things about them.  It should be interesting._  
  
DuTach, belatedly remembering he was, in fact, Sarah, stepped forward.  
  
"Welcome, Admiral Von Shtinkinpants," he said solemnly.  
  


*****

Siegfried rapped his fingers on the door to Sarah's ready room.  "Sarah, er—"  He noticed that Admiral Ollidamra was standing not far away in the bridge.  "I mean, um, Captain.  May I come in?"  
  
Sarah answered the door.  "Yes?"  
  
Sig leaned forward and whispered, "Um, are you sure that it's wise for you, _Austin_, to be seen answering the door?"  
  
"Oh, sorry...  Habit," Sarah explained.  "Go ahead."  
  
Glancing over his shoulder as he walked in, Sig noticed that the Admiral was looking his way with a strange expression.  "Um, sure..."  
  
Inside, Sig asked, "So, I was wondering if you could give me some advice on counseling."  
  
"Hmm, be more specific."  
  
"Well...  If someone ran into my office, wailing and screaming how everything was unfair and threatening to end their own life..."  
  
"Go on."  
  
"...Should I just hand them a lollipop, say 'That's the way it is. Life sucks,' and send them on their way?"  
  
Sarah sweatdropped.  "Well, I should hope that you don't think most counselors behave that way."  
  
Shrugging, Siegfried matter-of-factly stated, "That's how all the Academy ones were."  
  
"First of all, _don't_ be like Academy counselors." Sarah placed her hand on Sig's shoulder and began to lead him to the door.  "Secondly, try and talk like you normally would.  Just interject phrases such as 'eet ees seemply your subconscious trying to break free' or 'from some horreeble, childhood trauma, noo doubt...'"  
  
"In the funny accent?"  
  
"Yes, in the funny accent.  Really, don't you watch any holovids?"  
  
"Okay.  Thanks, Sar-" Sig had just placed one foot outside the door when he realized that the Admiral was waiting right there.  "Er, thank you, _Austin_.  Thanks for helping me out while the Captain was _not_ here..." he added rather loudly.  
  
Turning his head to the Admiral, he nodded. " Ah, heh... Fancy seeing you here, Admiral Von Shtinkinpants.  Fine weather we're having, eh?"  He laughed nervously and scratched his head as he marched off.  
  
"I've never seen such a nervous Klingon in my life," the Admiral marveled.  
  
Sarah rolled Austin's eyes.  "I can only hope that no one has to go see that nervous Klingon for counseling..."

*****

Keei stood in the corridor.  "Okay think.  What does he do?"  After a few seconds her stomach rumbled.  "I have the strangest craving for...Toast…"  She then wandered off to find a replicator.  
  


*****

  
Siegfried whistled as he walked down the hallway, bouncing a phaser rifle on his right shoulder.  "Oy, Kim—I mean, Katana!"  
  
Kim waved, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the corridor.  "Hi!"  
  
Shuddering, Sig thought, _I'll never get used to Katana being so... Kim-ish._  
  
Passersby stared as he sat down next to "Katana", wondering why their counselor and doctor were camping in the middle of the floor with very large firearms.  "So, who's guarding the other side?"  
  
"Keei, Katana, and I spotted the tribble earlier, but Keei went off to find some toast.  We think it darted into that storage room, and there's only one entrance into this corridor.  So, Katana's guarding the other side with her scary sword."  
  
Sig paused for a second, imagining Keei running around with a katana.  "So... very... wrong..."  
  
"What?"  
  
He shook his head free of the strange image.  "Ah, nothing...  Well, with all three of us guarding it, there's no way that tribble can get away!"  Sig grinned devilishly, thumbing the rifle to full automatic and fingering the trigger.  Kim stared, hoping that it was at least set on stun.  
  
"Wait a second!" yelled Katana from around the corner.  "We need to capture it, not kill it. I don't know about you, but I want to take my own body back as soon as possible.  Who knows what other people could do to it..."  Tana glared through the wall.  
  
"Ah, there's nothing to worry about.  We'll get 'im for sure," chirped Kim.  
  
"Well, while we're at it..."  Sig fumbled for something in his pocket.  
  
"What do you have there?" Katana called from the other side.  She had moved herself (er, Keei's self) around the corner and into view.  
  
He triumphantly pulled a little pad out, declaring, "The ultimate in old-sk00l portable gaming...  My portable Omni-Boy Advance!"  
  
"Um, are you sure that's appropriate for a time like this?"  Tana stared as he loaded in his copy of _Super Mario Universe_.  
  
"Yay! Can I play?"  Kim grabbed for the little device.  
  
"No...!"  Siegfried pulled it back to his chest.  "Last time, you erased my Zelda game and named the main character 'Pai'!"  
  
The rest of the crew tried to ignore their counselor and doctor sitting cross-legged on the floor and fighting over a gaming device, and the science officer shaking her head not too far away.  
  


*****

With toast in her mouth and a phaser in each hand Keei peered around the corner.  THERE IT WAS!  That little ball of fluff had the nerve to be in the center of the corridor!  
  
The phaser bolt struck it dead on and she trotted over to inspect it, only to discover it was one of the mice that had escaped from the science lab earlier that week that she had meant to tell Sarah about at the meeting.  Only all this had happened.  Whoops...  
  
"Sorry little mousie.  Let's get you back to the lab."  Ignoring the stares she was getting from the clueless crew Keei began the trek to the lab, or, as it was unofficially known, Keei's laboratory, so keep out all ye miscreants.  
  


*****

Sarah felt the color drain from Austin's face as she read the PADD DuTach had gotten from Admiral Ollidamra.  They would be getting a new Helm Officer.  A girl straight out of the Academy.  She would need training.  Guidance.  Nurturing.  And not to bash Siegfried, but he wasn't very good at that yet.  At least DuTach was in her body.  She was sure he knew how to be nurturing.  But how could they keep this whole sticky incident quiet from this young ensign?  "Well," she said carefully.  "I suppose you know what to do."  DuTach nodded.  "Well, all we have to do is somehow keep this quiet from her while still being nice to her.  At least she doesn't know what we're actually like."  
  
"I'm sure it'll be fine. We can just be "ourselves" and she won't be able to tell.  It's not like we have secret meetings or anything.  We can just keep her with Admiral Von Shtinkinpants."  
  
"I suppose it will work.  Let's just hope she's not very nosy..."  
  


*****

Kim grinned.  He smiled.  And then he realized that he had gotten lipstick on his teeth.  
  
"@#^@@#$!" he screamed.  
  
Then he realized that it was a girl's voice that had come out of his mouth.  
  
He banged his fist on the wall...  It hurt.  
  
He slid down and began sulking on the floor.  
  
At first when Kim had gotten stuck in Katana's body, he had been happy.  Of course, there was that whole wrath-of-death thing from Katana, but that was far balanced out by the fact that Kim now could read all of Katana's mail.  
  
It had turned out, however, that Katana's mail wasn't very interesting.  He was genuinely upset, and realized that being a girl sucked.  
  
"Hmph," he muttered and crossed his arms.  
  
"Katana, are you feeling alright?"  Kim looked up.  It was Katana's ever-so-cheerful-super-annoying nurse.  Kim didn't know her name, but he had dubbed her Mary Sue.  
  
"Go to hell, Mary Sue," he muttered.  
  
"Good.  Glad to see you're okay," Mary Sue nodded, "I've got a message for you."  
  
"What?" Kim growled.  
  
"The Admiral is here.  She says she's feeling dizzy."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Isn't that wonderful?  You'll get a chance to prove to her your marvelous medical skills!"  
  
"Damn straight it's wonderful,"  Kim stood up and clenched his fists.  "Delay the Admiral for a few minutes, will you?"  
  
"Uhh..." Mary Sue began to stutter.  
  
"I said delay her!  NOW GO!"  
  
Mary Sue scampered off.  
  
=^=Kim to Katana-I mean, Katana to Kim.  No, Katana to Keei.  God that sounds weird.=^=

*****

Aerial Stellar looked around her new room.  She had just arrived on the _USS Empire_—her very 1st assignment since she graduated from the Academy.  A quite nervous young man had shown her to her quarters.  It hit Aerial as unusual that he was so nervous, but she assumed it was just because she was new.  She hoped that everyone would be welcoming-she did admit she was apprehensive.  That was a lot coming from Aerial, for she took pride in her ability to maintain her composure under pressure.  But she did have reason to be nervous—it was her first assignment.  She was just about to start as Helm Officer on _the_ _USS Empire_! Not only that, but Admiral Ollidamra was on the ship at the same time!  
  
She went back to the door where she'd dropped her bags and moved them to the bed.  She started humming to herself--she had some Christmas songs stuck in her head—as she began unpacking.  She opened up all the drawers and the closet and started pulling out outfits.  In addition to her uniforms, she still had lots of clothing from her college days—old sweatshirts, button-downs, and overalls.  She slid her hand along the edge of her bag, and found her alarm chronometer.  This chronometer had 3" tall numbers and she placed it on her nightstand.  She'd gotten it as a Christmas present from her roommate her sophomore year at Indiana because of her lack of promptness.  Her punctuality improved after that!  She hooked it up and set it by her watch; then went back to her suitcase.  She was pleased with the fact that it didn't weigh too much, and she liked the fact that she could travel lightly.  
  
Before she began unpacking again, she passed by her mirror and gave her reflection a cursory glance.  Her shoulder –length brown hair was manageable, and her green eyes were bright today.  She'd opted to wear her contacts today, instead of her normal pair of glasses.  She wanted to make a good impression, this being her first day.  
  


The next thing she found in her bag was her photo album.  She loved to take pictures and also to look through them.  She was tempted to open it, but decided against it because she knew that she'd lose track of time.  She had to meet the Captain in 40 minutes and did _not_ want to be late.  She set it in the top drawer of her nightstand.  She looked at the chronometer and grinned when she realized she had time for a short nap.  It would do her good to be rested before her first day.  She grabbed her pillow out of her bag and dozed off...  
  


*****  
  


Aerial rolled over and squinted her eyes open.  She glanced at her clock and bolted up in bed, wide awake.  She had less then five minutes to make herself presentable and go meet Captain Cosmo.  She raced to her closet and grabbed her uniform.  Thirty seconds later she had it on.  She ran a brush through her hair about 3 times, grabbed her boots, and dashed out the door.  She slowed as she awkwardly tried to run and put her boots on at the same time. She managed to get them both on, but suddenly stopped dead in the middle of the hallway.  She didn't have any idea where she was going!  She whipped herself around and crashed head on into a shifty-eyed young man with blue hair.  Her eyes grew wide and she mumbled, "Where do I go?"  
  
He looked down at her, and replied, "You must be the new ensign. I f you're looking for the Captain, she's in the conference room down the hall, first room on the left.  I'm, umm...Kim.  Kim Sun."  She barely noticed his hesitation before he stated his name.  
  
She muttered her thanks as she rushed down the hallway to where he directed her.  She paused a second to compose herself before bursting in the door.  She looked around and remarked "Umm, Hello?  I'm the new ensign, Aerial Stellar."


End file.
